Needs a good editor. Proofreading, sentence structure and grammar need polish. Granted it's not as bad as some others I've read, but there's still room for improvement.
An interesting enough premise. Have to admit, there are hardly any really original plots anymore, so all we can do is evaluate on presentation and storytelling. The English dialogue is a little broken though. Not trying to talk smack against the translator, but I do hope he'll improve over time.