"Yo man I need some pro tier advice from you sir Dog Whisperer. You see I keep just whipping my dogs ass and it still doesn't like me." 
"Well you could..." 
"Let me finish. So I tried kicking it, Then I threw it off a cliff, lastly I tried lighting it on fire but to no avail it seems to like me even less then when I started trying to fix it." 
"I am calling the police on both you and the author"